December 4th 2008

I can't believe it's December. But I think I say that every December. But I think this is the first December that I really meant it.
My life as of now.. well. If I could have anything right now it would be a shower. But to have a shower, I need to have a residence with one, and to have that I need money to stay at a residence with a shower and to have money I need a job and to have a job I need motivation and to have motivation I need to believe in myself and to believe in myself I need to let go of fear and to let go of fear I need not to worry about the future and to not worry about the future I need to live in the moment and to live in the moment I can't dwell on my past and to not dwell on my past I need to learn from it and to learn from it I am being positive and to be positive I need to simplify and not over complicate..

Which I cant really say I've been doint AT ALL for like the past week or something. Ever since last Saturday all my worries have been focussed entirely upon where I am sleeping tonight, I got away with sleeping in Simons room for one night, then the fucking hostel caught me out and pretty much banned me from the place, so I was like, fuck, ok, then I got to stay at Amy's house for two nights which was awesom because she is but equally awkward becasue of her flatmates, then I stayed another night and I couldnt anymore becaude her flatties were a bit weird about me doing it, I stayed in her flatmates bed while he was in San Fransisco .. and it was like.. aaah

then I stayed at Dougs, he was cool, then again last night. I occupied myself by watching Mighty Boosh 1 and then last night I stayed up til 4 am watching it again and Doug kindly let me make sausages and rice which was amazing becasue I've learnt that I can't even get hungry becasue theres no way out of it.

I've been busking for the past couple of days. Its so much harder than I ever thought it would be. The first day I did it, I did it for about an hour and a half and made $8.50. It took me about.. the whole day to work up the courage to city on a Melbourne City street and put a hat out for money. It takes fucking guts, and let me promise you the nervousness doesnt go away the minute you sit down. It goes away when you go to the toilet next because your confined to a little space where no-one can see you.

In reality, busking is not bad at all. Its not as scary as we make it out to be, it is, but the reason your scared isint really a reason. Mine was of course, becasue Im on the fucking street playing songs while people are rushing past me, but honestly when YOU walk past a busker what are your thoughts? You get over them pretty much as soon as you walk past them. So thats all I have to keep in my head.

Wow rant-and-a-half.

So it's been a frightening past few days, I don't know how long it's gonna go on for, I keep coming real close to just rolling on up to the NZ Embassy so they can deport me home. It's really outweighing staying here becasue I actually don't know what to do. I can't even eat. It's extremely degrading to my soul. The only thing keeping me alive here is pretty much Simon and Ashley. They believe in me more than anyone else has since.. I can remember. So. I think I'll stay.

Besides Die! Die! Die! are playing tomorrow night. They are my favourite band, and Andrew gave me his phone number to 'text him' on the day of the show to put my name on the door! And whoever else wants to go.