I hate it how the world wants you to be unhappy. I hate how when I'm happy, someone or something decides to fucking crush it. Not that it ever reeeeally works, but it's just so rude. I'm so tired of everything, I wanna go back to NZ I wanna stay in Melbourne I wanna go here I wanna go here I wanna go there I wanna be everywhere and nowhere, I wanna know no-one and meet people, I wanna die for 5 minutes and I wanna live. But most of all, yeah most af all, I want a job. I'm starting to think I'm a pretty weak person, everything in the fucking universe is a contradiction because people and maybe me may think that I'm so so brave and strong or whatever leaving nz when i was 17 but I'm beginning to think that I'm getting weaker and weaker and more afraid.
I've been fired twice this week. I didn't react the second time as much as I couldve, because I simply just couldnt be bothered. I've tried crying, but it didn't work. I feel fucked up inside, about everything, the fact some dickhead said to me the other day good luck with finding my 'home' because I 'don't have one'.
I have had so much fun over the almost past 6 months. It feels like it's been all my life because nothing before that feels like it matters. In the middle of all the fun it's common for me to get a feeling like, 'who am i' or 'what am i doing' and its so weird. I'm living this fucking weird life in my opinion. I can feel like I am so isolated, and feel like I have all the support in the world. I feel like I wanna burst out in tears and lay in the middle of the motorway screaming for cars to stop incase they might run me over, then I cant find the tears. Or the time. or the place. sometimes I just wanna hug. And sometimes all that matters to me in my life is my cat. sometimes I dream of going to Nashville and starting a music project with two other guys with natural coloured hair, and sometimes I smoke a ciggarette. sometimes I take photos sometimes i eat pasta sometimes i do this sometimes i do that. sometimes i wanna die sometimes i wanna kill someone.
only sometimes.
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