November 28th 2008

I feel like I'm beginning to hate the person that I am, and that's a really strong thing to say. I hate it when I make shit up in my head and I think it's true, like I wish sometimes I was just normal, and I had it all sorted, I had a way to get money (a job) and I wasn't just this funny person that was all funny and that was it. This is exactly what I hate, I just wish I wasnt an idiot, Ashley and Simon know how to hold serious conversations where they speak and it's like another language to me and the onlly way to interact with me is to be silly or something. Fuck I feel like I just hate my time in Melbourne altogether, everything is good, good people around, cool city, meet people that are awesome, but then the thing that weighs it down for me is me. I just think bad things about myself and if people bring up ex's or sex or anything like that I just zone out because I have nothing to say. Because I'm just young and dumb. Seriously the job thing though, it seems to work out fine for everyone else but its just one big tease for me and I fucking hate it. I just feel like I have nothing to show and I dont know what to do, and I'm always having to be explained things and people give up and I make my friends feel like shit, its always me making them feel like crap, but they dont make each other feel like shit and id kill to be in that position. to know how not not make people feel like shit. that would be awesome. I just wake up in this fucking hostel that I'm paying for, worrying about something stupid like, why did i get so stoned last night, its just a downward spiral blah blah blah and then I just feel jealous of Simon or whoever because they know how to just keep it together and they are never ever in bad moods they just play it cool and they just know. I just wanna fucking kill myself.