May 28th 2008

If you hate your outfit, compliment someone elses.
You know when you kinda squeeze your nose, and you can feel a huge chunk of snot and your like yay I can pick it out well I keep getting that feeling but theres like no snot there and I'm like aargh I really wanna pick it out. Maybe its like an abrasion of somesort because I keep sticking my fucking finger in there.
I had a really special Deep and Meeeaningful talk ova some Tennessee whiskey last night. It involved tears, and ended in laughter. A while ago, when things were fine, and I was being me, and I was being the person that Christine and Andrea first met and loved, I would often ask Christine if it was ok to buy fatty food while I was with her, considering she's a spectacularly healthy eater, I would always feel like AH when was craving some chicken or chips or coke or something when I was with her. It was quite funny.
Then I went all insane and was stoned and drunk for like 2 weeks straight. It took a toll on me. It wasnt very 'funny' towards the end, and when I was working during the day, I felt so fucking spaced out and dizzy and I felt like everything was 2 minutes behind in my world. I wasnt communicating with my friends properly at all. I would be working away cleaing then I'd have to lock myself in the toilet and cry for 5 minutes for what I dont even know. I would just cry then finish then work again. Bear in mind, I ate whatever the fuck I wanted whether it was fatty or not. didnt even think of christines opinion.
I didnt feel like me at all. I was there somewhere but it was like I was having this forbidden break from my self.
Yesterday Christine was eating her normal breakfast (Avocado halves, a carrot, a tomato, cheese on weet-bix, a boiled egg) and I was working and I just went out and tried to say something, but all I said was 'I think I'm just gonna go home' That was my giving up side coming out, & I fucking well know I dont wanna go back to NZ right now! It was just a way of being like, yes we are awkward right now..
So blah blah blah, things were weird, it felt like, all the fun was over and we had snapped back to reality and it was like aah ok what are we doing now..
So over and out. We hadnt been talking, things were fucking strange, we never saw each other. So we planned a talk. It felt like we needed to scream. So we went to the holiday inn last night, bought drinks. No this guy actually did woo $7 saving. Then it just all came out.
It prety much consisted of, them completely seeing me, it wasnt like a talk where they were like, hi yeah have some sympathy. ok. it was more like, lets actually talk about how we feel. i had my hands over my face in the beginning for ages, then andrea sat closer to me, i burst into tears, and it was like the truth. They told me stuff like i dont need to be insane to everybody they see me already, i dont know. it was just like, meant to be. it pretty much ended with us just looking at each oter smiling, feeling right again.
then i asked christine when we were about to leave 'is it ok if i buy some chicken?'
we couldnt sop laughing, i felt like me again.