I feel so embarrassed of myself sometimes, it seems that I make everything look good on the outside and I have been doing so for months and when I tell people back home how I'm going it all seems ok in their eyes but I really wish it was. I've been here almost a year now in Australia and to me, I haven't accomplished jack shit. I am constantly moneyless. Any money I've had in the past two months has been from bludging from family back home. I owe $360 at this house I'm staying at and it's so hard being here because it's so laid back and all that shit and I get to know the people and everything bt I have this fucking itch in the back of my head of owing rent and I find it so hard to something about it. I have the shittest willpower and I shouldn't.
Fucking Westpac ring me every week to see if I have a job yet to pay my $1500 Visa fine that started off at $1000 that I spent in just 8 days like, 5 months ago. I haven't paid them a cent and the last time I got a call the woman was going on about how it will affect my credit rating and if I ever want to settle down one day and get a house it will be hard and all that crap. I'm so sick of putting on a happy face. I owe Simon like $200. And I also owe my friend Doug $350. I owe my friend Andrea in Sweden $1165 and I also have a phone bill in NZ of $650.
I'm the kind of person that avoids as much problematic situations as possible until I break down and want to kill myself about i and it's not healthy. I hate the feeling of trying to sort my life out, everytime I try to be positive I just end up crying because everything comes to me in one go and it overtakes my mind.
Simon went to Mildura today, about 8-9 hours away north of Melbourne and me and him need time apart BIG TIME. It's gotten to the point now where we snap at each other and it's up and down, and we've been hanging out with each other for months on end now and I've actually forgotten how our friendship should be.
I was just flicking through old emails before, deleting them and whatnot and I came across this one from last October and I said in reply to a mate what I did in the weekend and it said I went to the park with my friend Simon and smoked heaps of weed and drank beer and it was sweet. I thought about that day instantly and I though to myself if we had done that this week, it would've just been draining. That was such a good day, and that's what me and Simon are like, and supposed to be like so life in the relationship sector and a bit heavy at the moment,
especially because it brings me to tears when I think about how stupid I can be to him. I love him so much and I just want those days back. I'm happy he's gone away, we need it.
I'm missing friends from home terribly. If I think of my friend Alice, I usually start crying, but only when I'm alone. And I couldn't contain how much I missed my friend Karina the other day too. I can't believe how life goes. Sometimes I just wanna go home, and go to my mums and sit in the garden with my pets and mum and brother and know that I'm safe there because there's actual food available to me, and love and I have a bed to sleep in without feeling like I need to pay somebody for fucking breathing.
I can't believe I'm sitting here, once again, without a cent to my name and not knowing where my next cent will come from, with no fucking food, and a choice of beanbags and couches to sleep on tonight. I just need to take more acid I think and let the trees tell me that I am safe and that I can devour their warm embrace anytime I like. Now that was home.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Tuesday 27 January 09
Tuesday is my mums payday.
This month has been so extremely weird and up and down and wild and crazy and up and down and indescribable and strange and i feel like such a nerd writing about my life in a white box. But it's ok because it will be in a book one day. No spell check either thank you.
I don't think I can really be assed with continuing my last blog, it's already a long one as it is and I kinda like the mystery of it at the end. To be continued... well here it is I'm continuing.
I just got off the phone to Ash for the second time tonight. He rang me not long ago and we spoke for half an hour, I thought it was my uncle Shale at first, and I got all excited and then it was Ash and I was even more excited. Everytime he rings he says hello like real subtly, and it never sounds like him. And it confused me even more cuz my phone didn't recognize the number. So yeah anyway Ash is coming over tomorrow and I'm happy because I haven't seen him in 6 weeks. Fuck!
Yesterday me Doug and Simon went to Big Day Out. It was wicked. It was a pretty significant day for me because the last Big Day Out I went to was where I made the decision to come to Australia, and one of the best moments I've ever had since I've been away took place last night while I was watching Neil Young on such a magnificent night with Simon standing next to me and I thought wow, my life has completely changed from last years BDO. I was pretty happy. Neil Young in his 67 year old body rocking out still made the whole thing even better, he played The Needle and the Damage Done which pretty much made my day.
This is the first day I haven't seen Simon at all since New Years Day. We have been in each others faces constantly for weeks now and it's kindof refreshing but I've been thinking all day about him and how bad I can be and how unnecessary so many fucked up moments I've caused have been and I feel well and truly weird about it because I can actually see things clearer that I'm not with him today.
I love Simon so so much, and I can't believe I can put someone as cool as him through the most stupid shit for nothing. He's never done anything to hurt me or make me feel bad, he's just been his amazing self this whole time, and I go and ruin because I don't even know and he's forgiven me way too many times and he always does so much and I fuck it up. When we are happy at the same time and we are being ourselves and we are actually being like normal friends it's so so good but then I just succumb into my ball sometimes and twist things and make things out to how they aren't' at all and it's so fucking frustrating for both of us especially him and now that's hes at Dougs today I'm like, woah. What's wring with me. I even cried at one point. And I feel so bad and I just want to be good and reasonable for the rest of my life now. I want to. Simon is not here today, and it's my time to realize how much of a fuck I am and he's not, that's what it actually comes down to. I want to be good, I can. I have to or else I will die in all aspects of my being, except my body, and in my opinion it's worse. If my body dies now and I die having changed form my fucked up self as opposed to living for years having not changed because I wanted to, then that's like. The ultimate most stupid thing I can think of ever doing. So all I need now is for the universe to open up to me and let me in..because I wanna.
I love seeing Simon happy, it makes me sooo happy when he's happy. And he is a happy person with such a happy, magic, charismatic nature, and it's so so beautiful and when were like that together it's so cool. There's been times lately when I see that in him with other people and then I feel so jealous and ugly inside because I feel like I can't have that with him or it's not the same as that person and I get all negative and it's so stupid because it puts him in the middle and he can't handle it. And it makes me feel so bad.
But Simon is way too special to treat that way, it's already happened with other people in my life, and if it can happen again with another person, I'm obviously not doing something right.
Doug is going back to Auckland tomorrow for a week then he's gonna go to France to stay with his family and be back in NZ in 6 months. Simon and Doug are best buddies and sometimes I love walking behind them because even though I don't know what they're talking about, I love analyzing their body language because it's so beautiful being able to visually see a friendship in silence.
So tomorrow I'm gonna be with Simon and Ash, it's like uniting time. Eeep! I can't wait. I love my friendz
This month has been so extremely weird and up and down and wild and crazy and up and down and indescribable and strange and i feel like such a nerd writing about my life in a white box. But it's ok because it will be in a book one day. No spell check either thank you.
I don't think I can really be assed with continuing my last blog, it's already a long one as it is and I kinda like the mystery of it at the end. To be continued... well here it is I'm continuing.
I just got off the phone to Ash for the second time tonight. He rang me not long ago and we spoke for half an hour, I thought it was my uncle Shale at first, and I got all excited and then it was Ash and I was even more excited. Everytime he rings he says hello like real subtly, and it never sounds like him. And it confused me even more cuz my phone didn't recognize the number. So yeah anyway Ash is coming over tomorrow and I'm happy because I haven't seen him in 6 weeks. Fuck!
Yesterday me Doug and Simon went to Big Day Out. It was wicked. It was a pretty significant day for me because the last Big Day Out I went to was where I made the decision to come to Australia, and one of the best moments I've ever had since I've been away took place last night while I was watching Neil Young on such a magnificent night with Simon standing next to me and I thought wow, my life has completely changed from last years BDO. I was pretty happy. Neil Young in his 67 year old body rocking out still made the whole thing even better, he played The Needle and the Damage Done which pretty much made my day.
This is the first day I haven't seen Simon at all since New Years Day. We have been in each others faces constantly for weeks now and it's kindof refreshing but I've been thinking all day about him and how bad I can be and how unnecessary so many fucked up moments I've caused have been and I feel well and truly weird about it because I can actually see things clearer that I'm not with him today.
I love Simon so so much, and I can't believe I can put someone as cool as him through the most stupid shit for nothing. He's never done anything to hurt me or make me feel bad, he's just been his amazing self this whole time, and I go and ruin because I don't even know and he's forgiven me way too many times and he always does so much and I fuck it up. When we are happy at the same time and we are being ourselves and we are actually being like normal friends it's so so good but then I just succumb into my ball sometimes and twist things and make things out to how they aren't' at all and it's so fucking frustrating for both of us especially him and now that's hes at Dougs today I'm like, woah. What's wring with me. I even cried at one point. And I feel so bad and I just want to be good and reasonable for the rest of my life now. I want to. Simon is not here today, and it's my time to realize how much of a fuck I am and he's not, that's what it actually comes down to. I want to be good, I can. I have to or else I will die in all aspects of my being, except my body, and in my opinion it's worse. If my body dies now and I die having changed form my fucked up self as opposed to living for years having not changed because I wanted to, then that's like. The ultimate most stupid thing I can think of ever doing. So all I need now is for the universe to open up to me and let me in..because I wanna.
I love seeing Simon happy, it makes me sooo happy when he's happy. And he is a happy person with such a happy, magic, charismatic nature, and it's so so beautiful and when were like that together it's so cool. There's been times lately when I see that in him with other people and then I feel so jealous and ugly inside because I feel like I can't have that with him or it's not the same as that person and I get all negative and it's so stupid because it puts him in the middle and he can't handle it. And it makes me feel so bad.
But Simon is way too special to treat that way, it's already happened with other people in my life, and if it can happen again with another person, I'm obviously not doing something right.
Doug is going back to Auckland tomorrow for a week then he's gonna go to France to stay with his family and be back in NZ in 6 months. Simon and Doug are best buddies and sometimes I love walking behind them because even though I don't know what they're talking about, I love analyzing their body language because it's so beautiful being able to visually see a friendship in silence.
So tomorrow I'm gonna be with Simon and Ash, it's like uniting time. Eeep! I can't wait. I love my friendz
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Saturday 17 January 2009 (The start of this blog is taken from what I wrote in my journal on 6 Jan 09)
Right now I am sitting in a park in Balmain, Sydney. I'm sitting with about 5 bags filled with things belonging to Simon and me. I'm alone right now because Sam & Simon have gone up to Woolworths to get some food so we can have a barbeque. I've been staying at Sam's Dad's ex wifes house with Sam since the 30th of Dec, and recently about 4 nights ago, Sion came over to stay. It's pretty much been amazing. I missioned it up to SYdney from Melbourne, well it wasn't really a mission, but I got a ride up with a guy at the last minute to Sydney. The plan was (& I was exhausted & freaking out all week leading up to New Years) to get to Sydney somehow, because all my friends were here, & I definitely wasn't accepting the thought of spending NYE at the house in Fitzroy.
I had been speaking with Sam about it, & he wanted me to come up & he was staying in his relatives house so he kindly assured me I was definitely sorted for a place to stay if I came up, which was wonderful, and the fact that I could stay in an actual house living with one of my best friends that I've met while being in Australia was such a good idea, I was so focussed & determined to get to Sydney. It was getting closer and closer to the 31st, and I was worrying about not being able to get there, and I had no money because I was waiting for it to be in my account from NZ, & I was hoping to God it would get there in time. I was looking up flights, buses, trains, and rideshares with people, but the trains were all sold out & buses and flight prices were fucking ridiculous because getting up there for New Years was such high demand. I was scared and worried.
Come the night of the 29th and I'm mixing my cake ready to bake in the oven when I get a call from a Canadian guy about a ride to Sydney the following morning. He had seen my ad on Gumtree titled 'I NEED A RIDE TO SYDNEY FOR NYE'. I was so happy and so so relived. He explained to me that it was him and another girl driving & just as he was about to tell me the address to meet up the next morning, I stopped him by telling him to just send me a text with the address instead and he was like cool, I'll do that now. So we hung up and I was waiting for this text with the address, relieved and excited out of my brains at the fact that I had a ride up, but I still felt a tiny bit sketchy because he hadn't text me the address yet, and two hours had passed.
I called him, with a phone card with about $1 on it because I didn't have credit on my phone yet, and I asked him why he hadn't texted the address yet and he said he completely forgot and that he'd do it as soon as we got off the phone. He still didn't text me, & I was back to my freaked out self again only worse because I thought I was guaranteed that I wasn't going. I stayed up late that night, watched Evan Almighty, shit, then had a shower & went to bed about 1. I couldn't sleep at all because these 2 people kept coming in and out of the room turning on the light & leaving it on, & there were these two kiwi bros freestyling in the kitchen like motherfuckers, so I just got up at 4am and stayed up for a while, money still not in my account, I had a joint with this guy Chris & went on the internet for a bit, then I finally went to sleep at about 6am or so. I slept on the beanbag in the lounge and got woken up at about 10am from other people in the house. I got up, dreading the fact that I had no plan yet and it was another gay day of gayness.
I went to get my phone because it was charging and saw that it had 2 missed calls and 3 text messages. One text was from the guy that 'didn't' get back to me and it had the address of where he was leaving from, but it didn't work out with going with who we were initially supposed to so he must've sorted another one out & blah. Anyway, biggest fucking coolness of my life, because when I read that text I was out the door in 5 minutes. My money still wasn't in, so I was kindof freaking out but I thought I just wanna get there & I'll work something out witht the driver like, I could just put money in his account or something when i does go in. I just had to get to Sydney!
So I got my stuff, got on the tram, & met them in town. There was the Canadian guy, a guy from Melbourne (the driver) and this girl that was from Melbourne, New York and New Orleans. So her accent was fucked. The drive was ok, it was such a good feeling to be leaving the city. I felt quite awkward knowing I had no money and knowing that at some point we'd be stopping and the gas subject would com up.So when we pulled into a gas station, I was like ahh fuck. But then the guy driving was like 'Ok, I'm gonna pay for the gas and we'll just work everything out at the end. How relieving in my balls. So that would give me time to work up the courage to say ohhh mate, do you think I could put money into your account for the trip etc etc.
So we drove to Sydney. Sweet as. 888kms. Fuck! We stopped in a town with a massive submarine in the middle of a park. I walked along it. It was mental. Like Keith. He's mental. Everytime we stopped I checked my account. And everytime it wasn't there I became more weirded out scaredy pants. But it was ok. I was so excited to see my loved ones and that's all that mattered. The drive was awesomeness. Australian countryside is really nice. It amazes me that Australia and New Zealand are quite close together and the climate and landscape are pretty much completely different. The people in the car weren't exactly the people I'd really hang around with, but it was ok. The girl gave me a sour strap. It was yum. Anyway I don't really wanna talk about the drive because I pretty much just wanted it over and done with. Some parts annoyed me. Like, when I was in the front seat, and the girl was driving, I asked if I could put a song on with the ipod but the driver guy that owned the ipod was sitting in the back and he'd just be like 'yeah, pass it here and I'll pick a song' and it was really awkward at one point because the girl said 'yeah when we get to Sydney we shouldn't all just leave each other straight away we should stay with each other and have a few drinks' and it all went silent it was weird.
We stopped in a town for dinner. And we had made numerous stops before that for food, and I was trying to be as discreet as I could by not buying food because I didn't want them to figure out I had no money and then think that I was just gonna do a runner or something when we got to Sydney. I wasn't. I swear. So anyway we stopped for dinner and I really wanted to get the guy driving on his own so I could just explain my situation and that I was happy to put money in his account or whatever. So I got him alone, and I told him the story, and I did numerous sexual favours for him to make up for it. It couldn't have worked out better.
Anyway that's not true, I got him alone and I explained everything and to my surprise he was completely cool with it. I was so happy. That was while we were sitting in his car then I got out straight after that and walked to the ATM machine and what do you know. My money was there. What are the chances. Then I turned around and said to him yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!. So that gay shit was over and I was free.
tbc
I had been speaking with Sam about it, & he wanted me to come up & he was staying in his relatives house so he kindly assured me I was definitely sorted for a place to stay if I came up, which was wonderful, and the fact that I could stay in an actual house living with one of my best friends that I've met while being in Australia was such a good idea, I was so focussed & determined to get to Sydney. It was getting closer and closer to the 31st, and I was worrying about not being able to get there, and I had no money because I was waiting for it to be in my account from NZ, & I was hoping to God it would get there in time. I was looking up flights, buses, trains, and rideshares with people, but the trains were all sold out & buses and flight prices were fucking ridiculous because getting up there for New Years was such high demand. I was scared and worried.
Come the night of the 29th and I'm mixing my cake ready to bake in the oven when I get a call from a Canadian guy about a ride to Sydney the following morning. He had seen my ad on Gumtree titled 'I NEED A RIDE TO SYDNEY FOR NYE'. I was so happy and so so relived. He explained to me that it was him and another girl driving & just as he was about to tell me the address to meet up the next morning, I stopped him by telling him to just send me a text with the address instead and he was like cool, I'll do that now. So we hung up and I was waiting for this text with the address, relieved and excited out of my brains at the fact that I had a ride up, but I still felt a tiny bit sketchy because he hadn't text me the address yet, and two hours had passed.
I called him, with a phone card with about $1 on it because I didn't have credit on my phone yet, and I asked him why he hadn't texted the address yet and he said he completely forgot and that he'd do it as soon as we got off the phone. He still didn't text me, & I was back to my freaked out self again only worse because I thought I was guaranteed that I wasn't going. I stayed up late that night, watched Evan Almighty, shit, then had a shower & went to bed about 1. I couldn't sleep at all because these 2 people kept coming in and out of the room turning on the light & leaving it on, & there were these two kiwi bros freestyling in the kitchen like motherfuckers, so I just got up at 4am and stayed up for a while, money still not in my account, I had a joint with this guy Chris & went on the internet for a bit, then I finally went to sleep at about 6am or so. I slept on the beanbag in the lounge and got woken up at about 10am from other people in the house. I got up, dreading the fact that I had no plan yet and it was another gay day of gayness.
I went to get my phone because it was charging and saw that it had 2 missed calls and 3 text messages. One text was from the guy that 'didn't' get back to me and it had the address of where he was leaving from, but it didn't work out with going with who we were initially supposed to so he must've sorted another one out & blah. Anyway, biggest fucking coolness of my life, because when I read that text I was out the door in 5 minutes. My money still wasn't in, so I was kindof freaking out but I thought I just wanna get there & I'll work something out witht the driver like, I could just put money in his account or something when i does go in. I just had to get to Sydney!
So I got my stuff, got on the tram, & met them in town. There was the Canadian guy, a guy from Melbourne (the driver) and this girl that was from Melbourne, New York and New Orleans. So her accent was fucked. The drive was ok, it was such a good feeling to be leaving the city. I felt quite awkward knowing I had no money and knowing that at some point we'd be stopping and the gas subject would com up.So when we pulled into a gas station, I was like ahh fuck. But then the guy driving was like 'Ok, I'm gonna pay for the gas and we'll just work everything out at the end. How relieving in my balls. So that would give me time to work up the courage to say ohhh mate, do you think I could put money into your account for the trip etc etc.
So we drove to Sydney. Sweet as. 888kms. Fuck! We stopped in a town with a massive submarine in the middle of a park. I walked along it. It was mental. Like Keith. He's mental. Everytime we stopped I checked my account. And everytime it wasn't there I became more weirded out scaredy pants. But it was ok. I was so excited to see my loved ones and that's all that mattered. The drive was awesomeness. Australian countryside is really nice. It amazes me that Australia and New Zealand are quite close together and the climate and landscape are pretty much completely different. The people in the car weren't exactly the people I'd really hang around with, but it was ok. The girl gave me a sour strap. It was yum. Anyway I don't really wanna talk about the drive because I pretty much just wanted it over and done with. Some parts annoyed me. Like, when I was in the front seat, and the girl was driving, I asked if I could put a song on with the ipod but the driver guy that owned the ipod was sitting in the back and he'd just be like 'yeah, pass it here and I'll pick a song' and it was really awkward at one point because the girl said 'yeah when we get to Sydney we shouldn't all just leave each other straight away we should stay with each other and have a few drinks' and it all went silent it was weird.
We stopped in a town for dinner. And we had made numerous stops before that for food, and I was trying to be as discreet as I could by not buying food because I didn't want them to figure out I had no money and then think that I was just gonna do a runner or something when we got to Sydney. I wasn't. I swear. So anyway we stopped for dinner and I really wanted to get the guy driving on his own so I could just explain my situation and that I was happy to put money in his account or whatever. So I got him alone, and I told him the story, and I did numerous sexual favours for him to make up for it. It couldn't have worked out better.
Anyway that's not true, I got him alone and I explained everything and to my surprise he was completely cool with it. I was so happy. That was while we were sitting in his car then I got out straight after that and walked to the ATM machine and what do you know. My money was there. What are the chances. Then I turned around and said to him yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!. So that gay shit was over and I was free.
tbc
Friday, January 2, 2009
3 jan 09 oooooh
Sammys im sorry because you went to geyt us some kepaps! i got beef. and lam and i call simon lamby and onve time i acalled him lambs brains but he didnt like it. he was like didi you you just call me lamdbs brains? and i said im sorry sikmon! i feel bad today because we were just watching some office and i didnt neam to get too vomit material but i fell asaleep on the oilet ground and it was a liottle bit embarrassing because id
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