Tuesday 27 January 09

Tuesday is my mums payday.
This month has been so extremely weird and up and down and wild and crazy and up and down and indescribable and strange and i feel like such a nerd writing about my life in a white box. But it's ok because it will be in a book one day. No spell check either thank you.
I don't think I can really be assed with continuing my last blog, it's already a long one as it is and I kinda like the mystery of it at the end. To be continued... well here it is I'm continuing.
I just got off the phone to Ash for the second time tonight. He rang me not long ago and we spoke for half an hour, I thought it was my uncle Shale at first, and I got all excited and then it was Ash and I was even more excited. Everytime he rings he says hello like real subtly, and it never sounds like him. And it confused me even more cuz my phone didn't recognize the number. So yeah anyway Ash is coming over tomorrow and I'm happy because I haven't seen him in 6 weeks. Fuck!
Yesterday me Doug and Simon went to Big Day Out. It was wicked. It was a pretty significant day for me because the last Big Day Out I went to was where I made the decision to come to Australia, and one of the best moments I've ever had since I've been away took place last night while I was watching Neil Young on such a magnificent night with Simon standing next to me and I thought wow, my life has completely changed from last years BDO. I was pretty happy. Neil Young in his 67 year old body rocking out still made the whole thing even better, he played The Needle and the Damage Done which pretty much made my day.
This is the first day I haven't seen Simon at all since New Years Day. We have been in each others faces constantly for weeks now and it's kindof refreshing but I've been thinking all day about him and how bad I can be and how unnecessary so many fucked up moments I've caused have been and I feel well and truly weird about it because I can actually see things clearer that I'm not with him today.
I love Simon so so much, and I can't believe I can put someone as cool as him through the most stupid shit for nothing. He's never done anything to hurt me or make me feel bad, he's just been his amazing self this whole time, and I go and ruin because I don't even know and he's forgiven me way too many times and he always does so much and I fuck it up. When we are happy at the same time and we are being ourselves and we are actually being like normal friends it's so so good but then I just succumb into my ball sometimes and twist things and make things out to how they aren't' at all and it's so fucking frustrating for both of us especially him and now that's hes at Dougs today I'm like, woah. What's wring with me. I even cried at one point. And I feel so bad and I just want to be good and reasonable for the rest of my life now. I want to. Simon is not here today, and it's my time to realize how much of a fuck I am and he's not, that's what it actually comes down to. I want to be good, I can. I have to or else I will die in all aspects of my being, except my body, and in my opinion it's worse. If my body dies now and I die having changed form my fucked up self as opposed to living for years having not changed because I wanted to, then that's like. The ultimate most stupid thing I can think of ever doing. So all I need now is for the universe to open up to me and let me in..because I wanna.
I love seeing Simon happy, it makes me sooo happy when he's happy. And he is a happy person with such a happy, magic, charismatic nature, and it's so so beautiful and when were like that together it's so cool. There's been times lately when I see that in him with other people and then I feel so jealous and ugly inside because I feel like I can't have that with him or it's not the same as that person and I get all negative and it's so stupid because it puts him in the middle and he can't handle it. And it makes me feel so bad.
But Simon is way too special to treat that way, it's already happened with other people in my life, and if it can happen again with another person, I'm obviously not doing something right.
Doug is going back to Auckland tomorrow for a week then he's gonna go to France to stay with his family and be back in NZ in 6 months. Simon and Doug are best buddies and sometimes I love walking behind them because even though I don't know what they're talking about, I love analyzing their body language because it's so beautiful being able to visually see a friendship in silence.
So tomorrow I'm gonna be with Simon and Ash, it's like uniting time. Eeep! I can't wait. I love my friendz