Wed 28 Jan 09

I feel so embarrassed of myself sometimes, it seems that I make everything look good on the outside and I have been doing so for months and when I tell people back home how I'm going it all seems ok in their eyes but I really wish it was. I've been here almost a year now in Australia and to me, I haven't accomplished jack shit. I am constantly moneyless. Any money I've had in the past two months has been from bludging from family back home. I owe $360 at this house I'm staying at and it's so hard being here because it's so laid back and all that shit and I get to know the people and everything bt I have this fucking itch in the back of my head of owing rent and I find it so hard to something about it. I have the shittest willpower and I shouldn't.
Fucking Westpac ring me every week to see if I have a job yet to pay my $1500 Visa fine that started off at $1000 that I spent in just 8 days like, 5 months ago. I haven't paid them a cent and the last time I got a call the woman was going on about how it will affect my credit rating and if I ever want to settle down one day and get a house it will be hard and all that crap. I'm so sick of putting on a happy face. I owe Simon like $200. And I also owe my friend Doug $350. I owe my friend Andrea in Sweden $1165 and I also have a phone bill in NZ of $650.
I'm the kind of person that avoids as much problematic situations as possible until I break down and want to kill myself about i and it's not healthy. I hate the feeling of trying to sort my life out, everytime I try to be positive I just end up crying because everything comes to me in one go and it overtakes my mind.
Simon went to Mildura today, about 8-9 hours away north of Melbourne and me and him need time apart BIG TIME. It's gotten to the point now where we snap at each other and it's up and down, and we've been hanging out with each other for months on end now and I've actually forgotten how our friendship should be.

I was just flicking through old emails before, deleting them and whatnot and I came across this one from last October and I said in reply to a mate what I did in the weekend and it said I went to the park with my friend Simon and smoked heaps of weed and drank beer and it was sweet. I thought about that day instantly and I though to myself if we had done that this week, it would've just been draining. That was such a good day, and that's what me and Simon are like, and supposed to be like so life in the relationship sector and a bit heavy at the moment,
especially because it brings me to tears when I think about how stupid I can be to him. I love him so much and I just want those days back. I'm happy he's gone away, we need it.
I'm missing friends from home terribly. If I think of my friend Alice, I usually start crying, but only when I'm alone. And I couldn't contain how much I missed my friend Karina the other day too. I can't believe how life goes. Sometimes I just wanna go home, and go to my mums and sit in the garden with my pets and mum and brother and know that I'm safe there because there's actual food available to me, and love and I have a bed to sleep in without feeling like I need to pay somebody for fucking breathing.
I can't believe I'm sitting here, once again, without a cent to my name and not knowing where my next cent will come from, with no fucking food, and a choice of beanbags and couches to sleep on tonight. I just need to take more acid I think and let the trees tell me that I am safe and that I can devour their warm embrace anytime I like. Now that was home.