October 21st 2008

I love my Mum. I really do. But when I think of her I feel a little sad, in some ways I feel like we're 'over'. The last time I called her, I was pretty much desperate and I had just come back from the Melbourne City Mission becasue I didn't have anywhere to stay and shit like that and they couldn't help me with anything becasue I wasn't a citizen of Australia. But they did give me a phone card and they suggested I really think about my priorities and what I wanted to do and weigh my options. I needed money. So I called my mum and I was on the phone for literally 2 minutes and my mum said hi and everything then she said do you need anything in particular and that was my chance.. I couldn've said yeah.. but I always avoid confrontation becasue I grew up with it so I was like 'oh, no i just wanted to say hi' then she asked me to ring later becasue she was tired. That was about 2 weeks ago and i havent talked to her since. She's one of the coolest women I know, she continuse to inspire me 18 years later and I really appreciate it. I still can't get over how my mum jumped the fence to see Red hot chili peppers in 1992.. or getting pulled up on stage by def leppard.. or seeing the clash in the 80's at the gluepot-one of the most memorable punk rock spots in Auckland back in the day. Or saving up to go to London for 6 months working at a check out chik! She's so quirky and pretty much the reason behind who I am today! Go mum. I just wish she actually knew me. I walked away crying kinda after that phone call, it's like I dont' even have the confidence to tell her that I'm fucked. Mum I'm fucked. I have nothing. I'm your little girl and here I am in Melbourne. Hi! HI. I wanna go to England next, I thought I'd let you know. I know she loves me, but sometimes when I hear how people I know have gone to NY and I'm like 'fuck i wanna do that' or how people have gone to sweden for a year and im like 'fuck i wanna do that' then they kinda say along the lines 'with the help of my parents' im like oh. whoops, you had me there for a second.

I'm like, semi kicked out again from Nomads. I walked to reception this morning and Hollie was like blah blah blah, your NEVER working for accom again, yada yada, im tired of being responsible for you, then i was like ohk can you ring all nations for me and then she was like oh yeah ok then i was like ask them if they have work 4 accom and i was like yeah then there was stuff but you have to like check in and shit and be there its not consistent and you pay key deposits and shit like that and im like fuck and its fucked and i dont really care and josh gave me his key card so maybe ill crash in his room its only one night just live for the moment, stop fucking worrying you baby! everyone is SO WORRIED and caught up in $$$MONEY$$$ and they are THICK and HAVE NO LIFE EXPERIECNE and THEY NEED IT and PEOPLE ARE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO FREAK ME OUT with their America and money stories and so what are you gonna do ruby lines and trying and trying and im like

RELAX

so im in the library and its only one night..ill just do an al nighter or something. anyone got any speed? (jokes!)