October 2nd 2008

I feel like im at that point where alexander supertramp was in into the wild when hes like about to die. but except i have food. so i dont actually have his sickness or anything. and this just proves its hard to explain. i just wanna scream 'hello'. its so annoying becasue i dont even have a passport. you know? those things that everyone has. i dont have one, you know when people give up, and they go home, well i cant do that, because you need a passport. I rang alice yesterday and she saw Jasper in town. his hair is longer. it must be pretty long. I could bawl my eyes out right now, but im in the library. i dont really get why im so down. like i cant even explain. and theres nothing i can do and theres no one to cry to and no one gives a fuck and no one gets it and everyone just expects me to fucking jump around and be silly all the fucking time every fucking second of the fucking day its like im never allowed to not be talking. and if i do talk, its like 'hahahah oh your just being funny anyway aye ruby? aye ruby? thats all your good for is to be funny. go be funny. its funny when your funny. make me laugh. be cute or something. ill get back to you later. if you have something serious to say, if you wanna talk to me, if youwant me to talk to you---oh hold on you wont need that. so yeah. we wont worry, your not human, your just a bunch of glitter and fun. you dumb fuck, fuck you'

If i could have anything right now it would be some sense. please. thats all i want. I have a regular pace that I walk at on the footpath. but i slowed it down, right down. because i wasnt going anywhere anyway. then i sat on a step. then i walked again. im just here you know thats it, im in melbourne. Jasper gets it. Im just in melbourne. I dont have days, dates, times, just eyes. i can just see whats in front of me, and thats it. if i want to do anything, i cant do it. im just here, i just wake up, i just eat, breathe, speak, shower get dressed brush my stupid teeth, and im going absolutely insane. ive never had nothing to my name before, i feel like ive thrown my life away and i can never get started again. its just fucked and i cant be fucked ever again i just need to scream