march the first

I hate not knowing what I'm doing. These fucking situations are just so stupid. I feel like someone is just screaming at me in the face not to go home, and to buck up and stay. I fucking hate it. Deep down, in my heart, I do want to stay in Melbourne. And work. And stay in Fitzroy my favourite suburb of all time. Pay my bills off here because it will be ten thousand times easier than doing it from New Zealand.
You could say that I am also terrified of going home. My dad is forever going on about how I should come back and how he'll set up his spare room for me and I can work with his best friend in his new restaurant. That's cool but I just can't stand the thought of being around people that won't understand me. I love beer. I love weed. Rollies are good. And I enjoy acid. I can't see there being any outlet for that at all if I go back to Auckland, if anything I'll just be frowned upon and it's pathetic.
I'm scared that when I see people that everything with them will just be the same, and I'll be screaming to get back to Australia. I figured it would be a good incentive for me to work hard at home so I can come back. But then I'm scared I'll just fall into the cunning little Auckland trap that almost every fucking kiwi I've met - away from home - has admitted to.
Coming away from AK has made me see it in a whole new light. Everything I love about that place fits into one street in Melbourne, and I just become freaked out if I think of some common sight in that place.
It will be amazing. To see my best friends, my family, and all that jazz, but I can say now that I actually know where I want to be. Nothing will ever compare to the luscious west Auckland, booming with nature and being not far away from fantastic waters though. But it's easily said that 'pretty little pure NZ' is definitely not, a reason to stay.
I've had that booming nature thing all my life, right in front of my face, but when your growing up in front of it, and you still have everything else to worry about like family issues and school, relationships with people, and learning about yourself, it's not all flora and fucking fauna. That's where people go wrong, I've met people that are all like 'WAOHW. Your from NZ? Why did you ever leave?'

Are you out of your mind? Fuck you man! I left because New ZEALAND isn't the only fucking place on earth, and because I get ONE life, and I would like to maybe, y'know, get off my ass and see something different so my brain doesn't shatter to pieces in my skull. Is that ok? Cheers.

I don't really know what I'm getting at here. Overall, I think my heart really lies where I am right now, and that going to Auckland is just giving up. I mean, when I do think about it, will I be truly happy with my decision? I've come to a point now where I've realized how powerful choices actually are. Be it anything. The littlest things can set you up for something for your whole life, and I feel like I just need to be around like minded people. That's it. Like minded people. And I am. So why the fuck am I leaving it. I don't know.

All in all, it would be wicked to go home because I love and adore my friends and family and I would cross the seas for them. I just hope I'm not in for some kind of shock that's all.