This is relevant.
When you go away, relationships change with people back home - dramtically. Well for me anyway. I can't believe it went from crying my face off the last time I saw my best friend because we knew we wouldn't see each other in ages, to 'Should I get in touch with her?' It's so sompletely saddening for me, to wonder if she's just gonna screw up my letter, or reply. I can't believe I don't know. I can't beleive I've written two different letters, and haven't sent them because 'I haven't gotten round to it' (I am too embarrassed), I can't believe I'm gonna write a letter? Why aren't I ringing? Why? Because she might just hang up, and get my other 'best friend' (whom she lives with) and just go on about me.
This is so fucked up, my heart is crying all the time about it. I don't have best friends. I have been here for two months, and even though I've made amazing friends, I don't have the comfort and resting place in a best friend anymore. I know that if I call I'll just get a stale/closed ended 'conversation'. It's like, I feel so bad, like I feel like they will be thinking 'Fucking selfish tard, leaving here and purposely forgetting about us' but I feel like it's too late to even, get even for that. Because I don't feel that way. But I am way past the now or never stage.
I'm so in between. It's like, I've made these new friends. And my best friends are.. gone. I don't even feel like I have a place in getting back together with them. I hate carrying around this heavy guilt, for nothing, something I haven't done, something that I think someone else is thinking. I hate this.
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